Take a minute to do a Google search of “leadership techniques.” Go ahead, take your time, I’ll wait.
In case you didn’t look, there are over 1.2 billion results with more being added every minute. If that’s any indication about the relevancy of having strong leadership skills in today’s workplace, there’s quite a bit of ground there to cover.
This past April, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to attend the University of Wisconsin’s Continuing Studies Division’s leadership conference, which focused on building listening skills in order to create a dialogue. It was in this conference that I learned the importance of leading from your “center.” Now, I’m aware of how it sounds when someone tells you to “find your center” – it’s hippy-dippy, feel-good gobbledygook, right? Like something a yoga instructor would say to an avocado-toast munching Millennial.
But all finding your center really means is taking a few calming breaths to give yourself time to remove your personal emotions from a situation in order to address it from a more logical point of view. As someone who sees the world through the lens of emotions first, I have found this technique to be the most important in my leadership arsenal. Here are two personal experiences I’ve had that can explain the important difference between leading with emotions vs. leading from the center:
A few years ago, I had an employee call me an “ice queen” during one of our coaching sessions. This cut me to my core, as I had always thought of myself as being someone who is very open to others’ feelings and experiences, especially those of my team members. But this was not this employee’s experience of me and my ego was wounded. Instead of taking the time I needed to collect my thoughts and calm myself, I felt the need to respond to her immediately. This was a mistake. My emotions escalated as I tried to persuade her to think of me differently and to explain away her misconceptions about me. I found myself crying - as a leader - in a coaching session, and in that moment, I realized that maybe I hadn’t handled this correctly (understatement of the year!). This was not one of my stronger moments as a leader—before I had learned the importance of finding my center.
Let’s jump to a more recent coaching session with another employee – one in which I had to share some difficult feedback. Before the meeting, I took some time to think about what I really wanted from that individual – for them to change a negative behavior – and how best to get the result I wanted. I went through a few scenarios in my head, including, “This behavior is unacceptable and I won’t stand for it,” but this would certainly make the employee defensive. So here’s what I went with after adjusting my wording to find the best way to address the issue: “I know you are a kind, thoughtful person, and you would never intentionally hurt someone. So I’m thinking you <insert negative behavior here> without meaning to. Do you think you may be able to <insert positive behavior here> more consciously in the future?”
Obviously the second interaction went much more positively than the first, and that’s because I took time to center myself before addressing the problem. I wanted to maintain our open, trusting relationship while still sharing this difficult feedback, and the best way I established this was to approach my employee with the foundation that they are a reasonable and rational person who has experienced a momentary lapse in their usual behavior.
If I had centered in the first scenario I shared, it may have gone something more along these lines:
Employee: You’re an ice queen.
Me: <Take a few breaths to center myself and think about why she would say something like this. What am I pretending not to notice about my role in the problem?>
Me: It hurts that you feel this way about me. But you must be feeling hurt or at least ‘iced out’ by me for you to say something like that. Am I understanding how you’re feeling correctly? Help me understand where you’re coming from.
If I had taken the time to center myself, therefore allowing my response to come from place of kindness and compassion, that meeting would have likely gone very differently. Centering isn’t easy, though – it requires you to deflate your ego and allow yourself to become vulnerable in situations where the stakes feel high. But getting rid of that ego and negative emotions makes room for you to be a steadfast & rational leader. If you practice centering when the stakes are low, you will be ready when the ‘you-know-what’ hits the fan.
The best way to improve is to practice in the midst of everyday occurrences - whether you are waiting in line, getting cut off in traffic, or having to discontinue your plans because of an obstacle. When I practice centering in these moments, I take a few slow, calming breaths and try to look at the situation differently, without all that negative emotion. Even though you can feel corny or silly for making yourself look at the bright side (and you will!), thinking this way really does work to diffuse that negativity, allowing you to focus more clearly on what really matters. If centering works waiting in line at the grocery store, just imagine what it can do in a difficult performance review!
Being a leader is a significant responsibility and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but when you center yourself in high-stakes moments, I think you’ll find that those conversations are more positive and fulfilling for all parties. I hope you find this technique helpful the next time you find yourself in a difficult or emotional situation. Best of luck!
To learn more, sign up for Suzanne's webinar: Launching into Leadership - The 4 Traits of an Inspired Leader
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